(Because lets be honest, no guy deserves that much time living rent free in our brains) The unofficial, more specific title of this is: “How to dump someone who thinks he’s your boyfriend,” but that’s just between you and me. I’m going to be honest, this was inspired by a couple very… um… interesting turn of events from the past few weeks. So, being the annoying over-sharer that I apparently am (as someone so kindly told me on Thanksgiving), I thought that I’d use it as an excuse to share with you some of the mindset that has helped me become more confident in myself, really a better person over all, and yes, my very fascinating love life. *cue laughter from live studio audience* Now you might laugh at me for some of the advice, and tbh I probably would’ve too if you showed me this a year ago, but keep an open mind; sometimes you can find meaning in even the simplest things.
Rule #1: Don't think, just do!
I recently came to this realization after going on two dates with a guy I didn’t actually find that interesting, let alone actually like. People say if you can change your thoughts, then you can change your life. Just like how putting a bucket under a dripping ceiling won’t fix the problem, this mindset is slowing down the problem, not stopping it. Let's say you go out on a date with someone, a decent person and interesting in their own right, but you just don’t feel a connection. “Oh but I guess he’s a nice guy, maybe I should go on a second date with him, it would be good for me.” NO. Always trust your first instinct, because its your own time that you're wasting. Let's say you do go on that second date, what's going to happen from there? You might end up in a subpar relationship, too complacent to leave, or you might not; but it's a possibility. So do not think, just do.
Rule #2: "I can fix them!" No, no you can't.
This next rule does not just go for romantic relationships, but really is a pillar of the newer, healthy mindset I’ve developed over the past year. Don’t assume that just because you’ve dealt with difficult situations, or even personal trauma, that the other person has as well. I know this internal struggle intimately, Siri play “Savior Complex” by Phoebe Bridgers!
There's nothing wrong with being an empath, but it doesn’t have to go hand in hand with the crybaby or doormat stereotypes. I'm not saying hold grudges and turn into a nihilist who believes humankind is inherently evil and not capable of change, but rather be mindful of how many chances you give, and who you give them to; because each chance you take on a person, you're giving a little bit of yourself away, which in a healthy relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. There must be some give or take, but one should never feel obligated to do anything in a relationship, and certainly not after 1 or 2 dates. I feel like I always see people talk about being intimidated by a strong personality, or the dominant half of a relationship, but never the guilt over potentially ‘breaking their heart’. Nonetheless, never let those things keep you from making the right decision for YOU, not anyone else. You’re not being selfish or only looking out for your own interests, you're simply setting healthy boundaries. Because empathy without boundaries is self destruction.
Rule #3: One size does NOT fit all
There’s a misconception that you only get one soulmate throughout your lifetime, and it has to be within the context of a romantic relationship. Well I am here to tell you that this is a lie, A LIE I SAY, because society thinks that were not capable of handling the truth. Do you have that one friend that when you're with them the world melts away, and you can sit there in silence feeling time pass around you but stay still at the same time? (lucky you) SOULMATE! What about your cat that always seems to know how to comfort you when you've just had a long cry that no one else could tell you had? (now this is something I can relate to) SOUL. MATE. But these people aren’t always going to be a part of your life; you might grow apart from your friends (key word: GROW) or that beloved pet might pass, but you will always have the memories and lessons that they taught you. Some soulmates need to be left behind in order to protect your path.
Rule #4: Don't take head over heels literally
This one is more for ~romantic~ relationships. Listen, I'm all for female empowerment and making the first move, but we can't be doing it 24/7! Both sides have to be equally invested, otherwise lets face it: you're just a baby sitter (unless you want to be stuck with a grown child... you do you). Studies actually show that if the man is more invested in a relationship than the woman, the more likely the relationship is to succeed, which in itself is pretty messed up. A lot of the time feminism becomes so radical that it actually supports the patriarchy (stay tuned for my next blog post), hence men getting to lay back and do nothing while we beg them for a text back. A little bit pathetic. So I'm not saying pull back completely and leave him on delivered for 2 days (although it would do you a little good), but if you feel yourself overcompensating, its ok to take a step back.
Rule #5: Ignore tragically uninteresting people
When something is true, you don’t feel the need to defend it or prove it. If you find the person that you're in some kind of relationship with is always questioning you about your accomplishments, goals, aspirations, whatever, its a sign that the other person is not beneficial to your personal growth. One of my favorite quotes shows the dynamics of having a healthy support system, “Loving is not just looking at each other, its looking in the same direction.” In a relationship its true that both people should grow together, but you should have certain boundaries in order to create a healthy environment that allows for self improvement as well. Let’s say that someone - maybe even the person your dating - makes up something totally untrue about the status of your relationship with them, something private like how many people you’ve dated, which really isn’t anyone's business to know. Granted some people might have less than stellar opinions of you after that, (you might even have some less than stellar people approach you with these misconceptions in mind) but you shouldn’t have to change who you are because of someone else's immaturity. In most cases its just very outgoing people who get confused for being overly flirtatious, guilty as charged. But that’s societies fault, not ours; people are boring and therefore they talk about other people instead of their boring, insignificant lives. Okay, harsh, but just remember that if someone bases their perception of you on the rumor mill, and they end up approaching you whatever their intentions may be, 1) They're super gullible, and 2) that moment will prove who you REALLY are, not the hearsay.
If you couldn’t really tell, I’ve been watching a lot of rom-coms lately *cough, heavy on the Easy A* So contrary to what you might be thinking at the end of reading my spiel, I don’t hate love, and I hope I haven’t scared you away from it. I just believe that all of us have to stay safe, physically but also emotionally, especially in an era where private information is more of a commodity than ever due to social media. (shameless self insert, feels like a milestone) As a parting gift I’ll leave you a quote from Olive Penderghast from Easy A (I couldn’t help myself, sorry!)
"But no, no John Hughes didn't direct my life."
And with that, I bid you adieu my wonderful fans!
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